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I Feel Like Cameron

by Josh, The Idiotic

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1.
Little Zacharia spoke to Baphomet He didn’t want to die but he went inanimate isn’t that hilarious It’s what I run away from, the water carries the aquarius Let the waves take ‘em The water carries the Aquarius Let the waves take ‘em The water carries the Aquarius Let the rain take ‘em I hate him, I hate him, it’s either make or break, and I’m the only one who made it, so It was all mistake, cause what’s a victory, to absolutely nothing? Hope my absence makes you all disgusted At this point, I can’t think of much else let’s go be numb together we don’t need any help The water carries the Aquarius Let the waves take ‘em The water carries the Aquarius Let the rain take ‘em Let the rain take ‘em
2.
Afraid 05:20
I aint never felt like this tight chest and a balled up fist Please Don’t get me wrong These same dumb songs It’s been too long Since you’ve been gone I’m not that strong These same dumb songs It’s been too long Since you’ve been gone Why are we Afraid of what we want? Uncertainty Like a ghost you haunt Why do we Do just what we want? Until finally Like a ghost you haunt I aint never felt like this No excitment, peace or bliss Please Don’t get me wrong These same dumb songs It’s been too long Since you’ve been gone I’m not that strong These same dumb songs It’s been too long Since you’ve been gone Why are we Afraid of what we want? Uncertainty Like a ghost you haunt Why do we Do just what we want? Until finally Like a ghost you haunt
3.
eastlake 01:58
Don’t say I don’t care, don’t care I am not doing fine, no, don’t go on I just wanna live and it’s not fair, not fair Wanna go back in time, when I wasn’t gone (please) Maybe a spliff, maybe a fifth Never awake I just always drift Face it, sick, hate this shit Self Awareness terrible gift Aint about you I just want to express Never attached and I’m always depressed Blunt and I don’t even care about feelings and that goes for you and for me I’m not healing I’m mearly a feautre, a puzzle-less piece Never been happy but keeping the peace Wanting and waiting and self depricating and by the end of it accepting defeat Meds are never working Belly of the beast I’ll admit to you I’m troubled when the sun sets east I’ve been feeling pain, I’ve been feeling pain just to hold on and I don’t feel the same, I’m so numb I’ve been feeling pain, I’ve been feeling pain just to hold on and I don’t feel the same, I’m so numb
4.
Exhaust 02:56
7.9 Billion lives Why are you the one that wants to take up my time Every time I speak it’s like I’m messing in mine fields Every time you talk you seem to be up in my feels High Heels, Don’t slip I just split peel, I’m always bad at walking and talking but good at long spiels Feeling like your favorite color, kind of a dark teal More blue, not another that’s ideal 5 meals, you deserve it and more Get real, get dessert for like 4 of em Used to being lost and I often get double crossed So I solve it with hoggen-daz and a cause for exhaust I’m always baffled, raffle basket, talking and laughing cause it’s one small chance but I’m tryin and happy If I’m sad then I’m sorry, I just be getting dissmisive Now we’re close and I’m distant I just want you to listen Green in the distance my sense of purpose is missing feel like a burden I’m livid I’m living what I’ve been giving but giving nothing I’m sick and seemingly compliment fishing, fuck it I won’t be forgiven Silly and constantly slipping sipping lipton cinnamon, sinning and so innocent feeling, like a cinema, stiil just another citizen ask a bunch of questions and always looking for local proof Ignorance, illusions, I’m losing all of the noble truths If god is really real then I mean who am I to do this and If karma is a bitch then I swear to god I’m a buddhist Sorry for my actions, I know that I’m always foolish I’m just bad at all my movement cause girly you are the cutest If god is really real then I mean who am I to do this and If karma is a bitch then I swear to god I’m a buddhist Sorry for my actions, I know that I’m always foolish I’m just bad at all my movement cause girly you are the coolest
5.
Pajamas, marijuana, comma Kamikazes crash land Amusement Parks, The cotten candy Picked up by a white man The fly landed, humans step and he had died, and I began to contemplate, why contemplate? The food chain is mine and the pupils of the teacher dialated in a moment the kids watch, and can’t look, try and think, I can Can’t pick up jobs cause I can’t pick up my pants, take Vivanse on Vivanse on Vivanse on Vivanse In my trance, got no chance of picking up new plants expiriment for the 9th time, this week with romance we dance, go to france, I might join a rock band I’m intrigued, In a trance, I feel like an old man I’m so smart I’m so wise I’m so dumb, bout to die I’m so numb I’m so glum, nostalgia, bout to cry No, why, Don’t know why (Why, why, why, why?) Wonder how high, If I count until I die 1, 2, 3, 4 Wait now I’m starving, I fasted, like Busta Look at me know, are you proud mom. “What the?” Far, how far, can I go, In this car, In slow mo Honking the horn, all the lights give me comatose 1, 2, 3, 4 Quietly, Society Had lied to me, anxiety Varieties, the irony, of privacy in diaries High-o-ly, addictive like sobriety, entirely or posting up a picture, cause I need some notoriety My god, he’s so cool, he almost died that one time Yeah commited murder but come on that’s only one crime Shot up his own mind, for that he did no time 1 plus a zero, so ten times, that’s one dime like oh my, one more than nine that is i, in roman signs Alphabet, is what I meant like percocet, the pain is mine paint the finest picture, with a perfect line with no design, I kill the artist, let the world decide and think how they define I hate me, I love who I wish I was Give a special hug to your local crip, and/or blood the world shrugs at all thugs, I plug in my earbuds Brain bugs, have you ever had sex while on drugs? 1, 2, 3, 4 You gon make me think it’s something but really it’s nothing new You gon make me think I’m somthing but really nobody knew Catch a ball and roll it on the grass before you catch a body All you talk is potty training after you can blow a shotty Packing it, the baddest shit is sadder than a tatted wrist Angry sex is saddening after, even the baddest bitch Pacifist is passionless you hit me up I’m passing it Beatles always taught me that love is the greatest smashing hit 1, 2, 3, 4
6.
moon 03:13
disobeying the doctor which one of you accusing me of failing a proctor lost 15 pounds in a matter of month Drop an S like a dollar sign and buy me a lunch I don’t love you a bunch Notre females in the knight, dames call it a hunch, little girl, I know you having nightmares and such but when I try to sleep at night I’m really scared to wake up I think I’m trying too hard Unsatisfying little hobbies that I gotta discard It’s fucking sickenin how sick I am, I made it so far reject, swipe left, credit your cards right Fist up for this fucker keeping your guard tight Lay in bed in hopes that it’ll make all the wrongs right Everyone’s cautious I haven’t even eaten yet I’m still getting nausous I just hope that your jealous…cause If you’re lower than this, then you know right where hell is, I’m leaving messages, texting, thinking “what is her fetish?” But you would never go back, and that’s what makes you so selfish and I’m the one that was left and you just post for the book The pictures of you crying next to all the pictures we took It’s because of you I can’t enjoy those songs anymore and my wrist about as messy as my bedroom floor I’m always reeking of reefer and I’m supposed to be sleeping and I’m supposed to be eatin But it’s been 7 days and I don’t have an achievement I swear I feel so defeated and now my head getting heated My momma cried in my arms we got some similar eyelids there’s bags underneath I’m stuck in autopilot, and now don’t be worried, just pretend that I don’t mean it I’m sorry for myself and sorry for the inconvenience
7.
The rain came down… like bricks on strings It’s funny how I think of all the stupid things and when I do, you never front or fret Embarrass yourself without a single regret and goddamn, girl I got a raft for two So put on your raincoat and your boots the whole world flooded and I’m taking you, we look at the sunflowers not at the roots, so when I ask why your upset, I don’t look at the fact that your obsessed with, messages that relieve the stress and blocking out sadness with cassettes, it’s so hard to imagine, a world where things like this don’t happen the water’s risen, 10 feet high all the flowers now touch the sky we float, we float along, float along, yes float along play a song, let the song go on and we won’t stop until the song’s not on The rain’s still coming, coming down fast but we stay floating in this big yellow raft Problems drown, we stay alive above the streets where we used to drive I don’t know where we are going I’m used to never knowing Sorry for the questions I just think you’re special messages and letters There’s nobody better While I’m still awake Please don’t float away (x8) No life jackets I don’t have time for safety That’s why I decided to love again and lately everybody fibbing and everybody is fake, see Even when your loving I’m hoping that you don’t hate me If you make me cave in I will break and I get shaky I’m scared as hell and honestly you make me fucking crazy I try to pretend that it doesn’t even phase me But I’m really indecisive and my demons will chase me Face me, when I’m talking to you There’s not enough poems and these violets are violet they never were blue they were broken I know it So I will float across the world until I find a black rose I don’t know what I would do without you It’s not that I’m dependant and It’s not that I get violent and even if I do i swear you’ll never even notice Forget it, let us float, see how far that we go Back to lovey dovey girl you’re my favorite, I wouldn’t pick another person on this earth to stay with Why are you here? and why am I asking? maybe It’s fear or maybe it’s passion I just gotta ask I know it’s depressing but why do you feel the need, to need a heaven I have it right here I could die in a second I’m really really sorry I just have some more questions I don’t know where we are going I’m used to never knowing Sorry for the questions I just think you’re special messages and letters There’s nobody better I will suffocate If you float away Please don’t float away (x7) I really miss you a lot I wonder what’s it’s like I’m gonna find you though soon I’ll go overboard too I don’t know if it was on purpose but I hope that it was worth it I’m gonna find you though soon I’m gonna drown with you
8.
Open Mic 05:50
This is open Mic night Right? Right. Step right in, up onto spotlight gotta get tight, then I gotta breathe in See him, why you wanna be him? he ain’t even that tight close my eyes till the end of the night Pass out, cry, hell, I just might I can’t see cause of all the lights but I see my future looking bright Why? (why? why? why?) I don’t really know but I might as well try hopefully, before I say goodbye I can feel real high off of good replys Please get hype, Hope you don’t dislike I can feel my heartbeat, Stomach got kites Hope we match, we can strike, I’m your type Open Minds on a open mic Open Mic, Open Mic, Open Mic gotta open mic Never really thought that I looked too tight But now I gotta prove it on an open mic Open Mic, Open Mic, Homie this is open mic Never really thought that I looked too tight But now I gotta prove it on an open mic All I do is dream, It may seem like I’m a lame All I gotta do is scream, see the theme I’m getting fame If you want, you can get, Every word you gon regret If you want, you can get, I’ll make you never forget, Bitch Look at all these faces, it don’t phase me I’ve been places, placing 1st in every case it’s sick, standing on these stages thinking, drinking would be nice, I’m sinking deeper and my head is shrinking, I wake up and look in crowd, I see my fans and I start blinking, wow, man aint this cool, they don’t teach this shit in school why the hell do I go then? cause I’m scared of what, if, when? write with pen, I mess up then, i scratch it, fuck it up again, where you been? I been on, “boy you must be vagabond“ damn right cause I’m always gone, working and writing these songs Art and covers, I have drawn I’m a king who came from pawn said so long, it won’t be long I will find where I belong All you been doing is wrong I’ve been right, like all along Godammit I’m so cool, godammit i’m so fly people swatting at me asking why the hell won’t I die Get on stage and do what you like Sing it like no-ones watching right? Sing it real loud, and get real hype One more time I’m on a, what? Open Mic, Open Mic, Open Mic gotta open mic Never really thought that I looked too tight But now I gotta prove it on an open mic Open Mic, Open Mic, Homie this is open mic Never really thought that I looked too tight But now I gotta prove it on an open mic All I do is dream, It may seem like I’m a lame All I gotta do is scream, see the theme I’m getting fame If you want, you can get, Every word you gon regret If you want, you can get, I’ll make you never forget
9.
10.
Life’s got me in check Seems like a check-mate with all this debt and hella stress at my neck with all the hate, and it seems like every time I try to try it don’t go right but despite it I’m like Kendrick I think we gon be alright when I be thinking I’m nothing and sitting and having a head full of doubt I’ma win it’s a game that we play when we wanna give in but I can’t afford it so let me begin I’ma be happy nobody can stop me and I’ma look down with nobody on top of me coppin the coolest now they all be on me all the hoes tell and It’s not a monopoly I do not need help and no i don’t need your suggestions I already got myself, to ask myself a bunch of questions like where the hell we going? where the hell we going? where the hell we going? where the hell we go nobody knows Cause I feel like cameron in 86’ So ill, I feel sick Throwing up my hands While driving whips Feel it, go ahead and vibe with it In the morning I’ll feel like shit Until then I’m just like this I feel like cameron in 86’ So ill, I feel sick Throwing up my hands While driving whips Feel it, go ahead and vibe with it In the morning I’ll feel like shit Until then I’m just like this I feel like cameron in 86’ I feel like cameron in 86’ Splashing aquatic like drinking a tonic I’m honestly quality, probably chronic There’s never been iller i’m sick need a pill and I may be neurotic like bowie an oddity Probably got to me he made profit he Said it and spit it to make it known audibly fond of me fond of me, hot and got comedy now I’m just joshing you, so idiotic, he Wanted to be it but couldn’t believe it he hated himself and now he is succeeding Defeated like never cause they couldn’t beat him He had a vision when they couldn’t they see him All of the homies are eating I’m leaving you eating the dust i’m ahead of your seasons Leisure and loving is all I be doing Got the old timers like what is the meaning? What is the meaning, what you are seeing is something that’s better that you’ve ever known Put on cologne, checking my phone Proving em wrong, all on my own Now I know you know it so how the hell it go? I’ve been cruising for some hours and where the hell we go? nobody knows Cause I feel like cameron in 86’ So ill, I feel sick Throwing up my hands While driving whips Feel it, go ahead and vibe with it In the morning I’ll feel like shit Until then I’m just like this I feel like cameron in 86’ So ill, I feel sick Throwing up my hands While driving whips Feel it, go ahead and vibe with it In the morning I’ll feel like shit Until then I’m just like this I feel like cameron in 86’ I feel like cameron in 86’
11.
My. Girl. Says. I’m A. Pushover, she says that I’m too nice and my fingernails must taste amazing cause that’s all I bite except for my tounge, when you spit in my face Cause I’m feeling sympathetic for all courts and the cases I want a panic attack that gives a sudden awakening to the fact that I am something great so I’m no longer faking it I’m taking it, on the chin and regretting it meaning I will either lie awake or I will forget again Fuck that, I have to change Don’t know why but once again I gotta keep my head down and rearrange Only feel fine when I’m feeling strange make the grade or my mom mad more mad than my own dad I just gotta lose all contact and I dont really find that, too bad, I got friends, ends meet, dead friends, and me, fed Head, red dot, bed ex just got wed Music, I’m a fan of this Alcohol and Cannabis Got so many chemicals I’m pissing off my therapist too many things on brain think I’m bouta go insane Still sound so cliché less a God than Charlemagne Hall of Fame, On My Way Gotta say it twice a day otherwise I’ll look down and what will happen? I can’t say Of Foreign Lands & People, Where I Am? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where Am I? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where I Am? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where The Fuck Am I? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where I Am? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where Am I? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where I Am? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where The Fuck Am I? My. Girl. Says. I’m. Special what the fuck does that even mean to you people I’m burning down the theatre my life don’t deserve a sequal If you play me like a VHS it’s just as nostalgic so stop and hit rewind, because I’m finished with all of it In the Fall or follows autumn they brought me on to the bottom with the fishnetted legs, she’s depressed oh now we’ve got him Of Foreign Lands & People I’m huffing up hella diesel I’m a feeble little fucker so just pass me the keys I’m bout to drive off that cliff bath salts, actress doing, dating backflips, I do bad flicks don’t lift up my mattress just look at my new status Preaching what I practice I’m a druggie, I’m a catholic I’m also an alcoholic but only from the chalice I love God, I pray to him, but only in my palace I balance all of this, on a ball that’s in my fist not all the time, just in the church when the poor people look at my wrist I’m not like that I’m just pissed 8th date, too scared to kiss 8th grade, my hair’s a mess Oh wait, Mom plays Oasis full of this, I’m through with this Information, I do with this looking back it’s only bullies bully clubs and bully shit Of Foreign Lands & People, Where I Am? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where Am I? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where I Am? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where The Fuck Am I? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where I Am? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where Am I? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where I Am? Of Foreign Lands & People, Where The Fuck Am I? My. Girl. Says. I’m A. Killer… No not kill her, I’m a killer, I mean what do you expect in all these bars and refillers and that’s not a rap line this is honest as fuck if I was trapping I’d be happy and I’d have better luck and I would never ever matter cause this family of crackers hates me now well how bout after, all the laughter, got new chucks threw up chunks, help me up, help me live help me stunt, help me out, help a bunch hell do you got a couple bucks, but I would never ask cause I’m anxious as hell I hope I’m on your mind cause I’m not doing so well and when the expectations raise I hope you never give me praise, cause it’s your fault I’m doing better “I’m amazed at you these days” is what you’d say, if you were here but I fear, that you are, only near and not close enough to feel me whisper secrets to your ear, here let me to try explain the pain you put me through lyin to me, might as well have put me through a hula hoop cause now my throats on fire and my head is doing loopty loops and spinning so fast, that I think I’m falling into you I mean for you, not to do, I mean the sex is pretty cool but fuck it if you fucked with me twice, I wouldn’t fuck with you (fuck with you, fuck with you, fuck with you, fuck you) (fuck with you, fuck with you, fuck with you, fuck you)
12.
Hide 04:03
Um Like Don't Do Drugs And Be A Good Person Cause If You Aren't Then You Suck Yes I wear... I Know That I... Yes I wear vans and I listen to Mac Demarco I’m aware that I’m a piece of shit but what the fuck do I know, I know that I got the skin of the worlds skinniest rhino cause I’m weaker than you pussies I’ll take your ass to a gyno tho I ain’t acting, I’m iller than Ben Stiller I said fuck support like I’m tearing down all the pillars taking more pills than my parents so it’s apparent that I’m normally a killer. apparently too embarrasing took a day to Ferris, I’m wheeling down through the merry go I told my girl to make like Ferris and take it off (woah) Drunk Drive a buggy through Mexico cause it’s funny Love me wanna hug me, I’m broke and a fucking dummy, they calling me a cutie they playing me like a fiddle, aint a riddle I’m aware that I look like Stewart Little Is that the kid or the mouse… I don’t fucking remember, yo Everything is not what it seems Selena the teenage wizard is in my dreams Lithium? Whatchu mean? Down a bunch of Mr. Clean take an ounce of scooby snacks and drive the mystery machine, through Ladera carefully carelessly, camera, carrying Screaming I’ma save you Cameron after the DVD Picturing the pain I pinned myself upon the porcelain important, I’m imported from the backer part of Dorothys dreams poorly educated I’m a 4th the course like mac n cheese raise the steaks I’m never eating even if you give for free Victory, just for me, can I pay the entrance fee Enemies can talk to me cause half the time I will agree Kiss to me and I’ll be bound to fall for it in every way cause every day I seem to think that harm is never in my way It’s all made up it’s in my brain Ego Death, I’m a stain I’ll abstain on taking strains take a breath, stay awake don’t you cry and don’t complain and don’t you ever rise to fame and don’t you got somewhere to be and don’t you wanna hide away (Distorted mumbling about how I’m trash)
13.
WELLAWARE 04:21
3 eyes 2 ears, to hear the 1 Shakespeare I disassociate, disband and then I dissapear with you puppets and I’m cutting ties to all the puppetiers sick puppy, musty I got musket triple musketeer Fuck me dear, is all she says but I can’t really bear to hear little birdy told me I’m natures version of worst fear Reflex, I sense, tell me if it hurts here not quite, think I need some more far, less near four, par, 8 bars, golfing with the idea That i need to spice it up, wrap it up like tortilla Man I got some more to see Rick in neck and Morty see Scientifically, burn the bush like Georgie 43, My father is more sick than me, apple hanging from the tree got so many bruises I’m unedible incredible Never have regrets but I wish that I could take it back White boy smoking pot should never call the keddle black Imagine there’s no heaven, I been trying for years, I’m a Lennon like legend, before Johnny appears Facing all the facts, IS facing my fears not the first to talk about it, but feeling pioneer I’m alone, and growing up is worst of ideas Fine line between us and all the things that I hear Imagine all the people, I’m evil, and so deceitful I’m a theif of regal weasels, you homies never be equal, fuck it keep your chin up, and sip a loco from the holy grail Cold as hell, I’m wishing well, they falling, I just kiss and tell Pot to piss in, fist in air, and sniffing all the Christian Air Inhaling, holy hell, I’m healing, Help me sir, nobody cares OMG… who is he?… don’t act like you aren’t aware I’d beware and say a prayer, cause musically he aint impaired I’m fairly good, and barely there, I’m killing it, it’s barely fair embarrassing, you care but you weren’t even there I’m well aware.

about

In the early autumn of 2017, I was in a very bad place. Emotionally drained, constantly tired, just exhausted with the world and where I was going. I was in, what most depressed people call a "numb" state. Auto-pilot. I felt like I was a robot on a conveyor belt just being pushed along, but never living or being alive. I wasn't conscious. I pushed everyone away and left people I loved and just drowned in anguish and defeat. This all sounds very cliché and worn out nowadays, especially with the rise of mental health issues and the rise of making those issues popularized. I'm aware that having these issues does not make me more profound than anyone else, nor do I wish to promote self-diagnosing and self depreciation. Please get help if you need it. This was also at a time where my parents arguments were getting louder, I was being switched between different meds, and my self care was at an all time low. Adding on top of all that, the usual 17/18 year old issues such as college picking, and what I'm doing with my life, and trying to do as much as I could before I turned 18, such as becoming an Eagle Scout (I know... I'm a loser), getting leads in multiple musicals at once, trying to make my own music, experimenting with different drugs and alcohol (as if I don't already have enough chemicals in my brain...also, sorry mom), and trying to pass high school with the bare minimum. Using music as an outlet, this is kind of a compilation of all the things that went through my mind over the course of the months following autumn. Nothing crazy or too philosophical, but I tried to mildly expand my own mind and find out what I can do. Some of these songs were recorded by me at 3am while crossfaded and on the edge of death. Some were recorded by me in the middle of the afternoon while in a manic phase. Depends on the day and feeling.

I'm better now.

Looking at the bigger picture, I'm not sure if this mixtape will be big or not, but that's not what is important. I'm proud as hell, if I'm being honest. I'm aware the quality isn't the best, but I put so much work into this and I love myself for it. It's free, as usual, but donations are greatly appreciated as they only go towards more music and equipment. I love all of you. Take care of yourselves, and be happy.

Peace and Love, JTI

credits

released May 25, 2018

All production, lyrics, mixing, mastering, etc. done by me in my basement. :)

Thanks to Gracie, Jack, Emily, Daniel, Shane, and Scout. <3

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